December 5, 2009

 

Mastering Concrete

By Shoddy Construction

 

Working with concrete is easy!  Obtain the necessary supplies and begin by constructing the form.  A perfect square is the desired shape.  Place the new form and check for level and plumb.  Begin adding water to the dry mix and trowel it into the form.

 

After forgetting to place the reinforcement bars into form before pouring, desperately try to sink them into the mush by hammering them down with a ramrod.  This will cause the form’s structural integrity to fail.  Sink several nails into the form and work against the weight of the interior load you’ve just poured.  Additionally, drive wooden stakes on the outside perimeter of the form to save an acceptable shape.  Leveling the form at this stage is beyond the scope of this operation.

 

Making sure to neglect your supply of dry mix beforehand is the key to a panicked state of mind.  Dance around in angry delirium until more concrete is found.  Make further repairs to the form which will have decayed under the force of the wet mix.

 

Upon adding too much water to the last batch of concrete, go ahead and top off the polyhedron shaped form.  Ignore the concrete that is now oozing out of the failed corner seams.  Rage throwing the finishing tool is acceptable practice.

 

Use your now damaged finishing tool in long strokes and smooth the watery froth about as though you are icing a birthday cake.   As the excess water rises to the surface push it over the edge of the form and hope you’ve removed enough to stop over hydration of the mix.

 

Finally, leave the project as is.  The end result can be easily buried, or, allowed to cure for break up and removal.

 

Rinse and repeat.

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Quotes:


"...And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.  No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun."

-Pink Floyd

"Life is like a bucket.  We're all stuck in it together and if you try to climb out everyone will pull you back in by the ankles."

-Ron